


As the World Caves In

by safe_haven



Series: I Knew You'd Fight (Until the War was Won) [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Delusions, Drug Use, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda?, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29855436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/safe_haven/pseuds/safe_haven
Summary: **Stands independent of the first work in series**The Andromeda Galaxy is the closest to our own. It is moving towards us and will someday collide with us, though that is billions of years in the future.Alexander does not take this news well.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton & Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette, Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson & Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette
Series: I Knew You'd Fight (Until the War was Won) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2183529
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	As the World Caves In

**Author's Note:**

> TW || hard drug use, overdose, self-harm, suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, delusions about the end of the world ||

Thomas is sitting in his 8 a.m Tuesday class, doodling the Andromeda Galaxy on his econ notes. There are 1 trillion stars in that galaxy. The Milky Way only has 400 billion. 

He thinks about the universe, about the End. He thinks about human consciousness, aliens, about the beginning of existence. He doodles what he thinks alien races would like. They are dancing on Andromeda’s planets. 

There’s a story that Alexander had told him about. It was named something about Omelas, and it was about a perfect society. No pain, no sadness, no nothing. It was pure happiness, pure bliss. 

The catch was that there was one child of indeterminate gender that was locked in a basement. They were given no food or water and beat regularly. They had to bear all the negative things that society didn’t. 

So, the question was, if you lived in this society, and found out that this child was suffering so you could be happy, would you leave? 

Some people left. Some didn’t. 

Thomas imagined that the aliens on Andromeda were living in Omelas. He imagined that he was the child being tortured. Would he be bitter? Would he hate the people who had let this happen to him? 

There was shuffling around him, and he noticed that everyone around him was packing up and moving towards the door. He flailed minutely before finding his way to the door and into the hallway. 

Thomas makes his way to his dorm, his other classes having been canceled for the day. He listened to the playlist Alexander had made for him, appropriately titled “sensory overload easier.” It was filled with soft songs that hit sharp notes. 

When he stepped into his dorm, he froze. 

Lafayette and Alexander were curled on his floor. Alexander was crying, and Lafayette was comforting him quietly. 

“Mon Ami,” he pleaded. “You are human. This world is safe. You are not in danger.” 

When he heard movement, he turned to face Thomas. His eyes were practically begging him to help. Thomas rushed forward, falling to his knees in front of Alexander. His fists were closed dangerously tight, blood welling around where his nails bit into his palms. 

Thomas gently pushed at his fingers, slowly opening his hands up and interlacing their fingers. 

“Baby,” he coaxed softly. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He placed a single kiss upon Alex’s forehead. 

“If you can read this, I love you and I’m losing my mind. Don’t look for me,” Alex muttered. “If you can read this, I love you and I’m losing my mind. Don’t look for me.” 

Thomas cast a questioning glance in Lafayette’s direction. 

“Alex is having a, how you say...episode. He does not know real from fake. He has been repeating that sentence...he thinks the world is going to end tomorrow.” 

Alex’s eyes were glassy. He looked like he hadn’t slept well in days, and he’d been crying for longer. 

Thomas squeezed Alexander’s hand tightly. He had no idea what to do in this situation; he had never experienced anything like it before. There was so much pain in Alexander’s eyes. He wanted to kill whoever put it there. 

“Alex, sweetheart,” Thomas murmured. “Can you look at me?” 

When a few moments went by in silence, Thomas slipped a hand under Alex’s chin, nudging him until they were making eye contact. 

“What are you thinking?” Thomas whispered. He tried to ignore Lafayette dissolving into tears next to him. He tried to ignore his own sadness, threatening to force its way into his throat. 

“What are you feeling, Alexander?” 

“Fear.” 

“Okay. Where are you feeling it?” 

Alex, previously unresponsive and stone-faced, came back to life at the question. It took him a few moments to concentrate. 

“Here.” He pointed to his chest, outlining the place where his lungs would be. 

“Good. Thank you. Do you know why you’re scared?” 

“The world is ending tomorrow.” 

“Why is the world ending tomorrow?” 

“The Andromeda Galaxy is going to collide with us. I read it in your notes.” 

Oh.

Thomas had been the one to put the fear in Alexander’s eyes. 

“Hey, Alex.” Thomas shifted so he was sitting next to Alexander. He pulled him in, situating Alex’s back against his chest and taking hold of both of his hands. Alex was breathing more steadily. Thomas rubbed his thumbs over Alex’s knuckles, nudging at the back of his head with his nose until he could plant a million soft kisses on his temple. 

“The Andromeda Galaxy is still far, far away from us. It won’t hit the Milky Way until billions and billions of years in the future. You’re here, with us, in 2021. I know you are because I can feel your back against my chest and your hands in mine. Can you feel this?” 

Thomas pressed his palm against Alex’s chest, applying pressure. 

“Yeah,” Alex murmured. His entire body relaxed, and he let his head roll back onto Thomas’s shoulder. 

“The Andromeda Galaxy has a trillion stars. Did you know that? We only have a few billion. Unfair, in my opinion. I think you deserve every star in the universe.” If Alex heard this, he didn’t respond to it. 

“When I was younger I had a nightmare that we reached the end of space but the end of space was just a metal wall.” 

There was silence for a few minutes. Lafayette had curled in on himself. His shoulders were shaking and Thomas could hear him quietly crying. He wondered how terrifying this must have been for him; he had been best friends with Alexander for a long time. How many suicidal nights had he seen? How many times had he walked in on Alexander convulsing in a bathtub, bleeding out, tilting off the edge of a roof? 

“Alex? Do you want to sleep?” 

Alex nodded and slowly began to lift himself up. Thomas followed him to his bed, helping him lay down and tucking him in. 

“This world is safe for a long, long time,” Thomas said quietly. “I’ll make sure of it, for you. There is no reason to be afraid.” He placed a kiss on Alex’s forehead, then his nose, and finally, his lips. He held his hand for a little longer until he was sure he could be alone. 

Then he turned his attention to Lafayette. 

Thomas knelt in front of him.

“Laf.” 

Lafayette looked up, his eyes red and his face covered in tears. 

Thomas opened his arms. 

Lafayette almost knocked him down, tackling him into a hug. Thomas let out a surprised gasp, wrapping his arms around Lafayette to steady him. Now Thomas was sitting with Lafeyette curled in his lap, his head buried in Thomas’s chest. 

“I’m so sorry.” 

Thomas rocked him for a while, rubbing comforting circles into his back. 

“Lex is a cat person.” 

“What?” 

Lafayette hiccupped, rubbing at his nose. He didn’t move his head from where it was on Thomas’s chest. 

“Lex is a cat person. He wants to have a daughter and a son. He was in love with you for so long. He really likes Gravity Falls. He’s a sucker for a good YA book, but he’d never tell you. He knows he’s pretentious and he likes it, he says it adds to his aesthetic.” Lafayette laughed. It sounded sad and tired. “He’s obsessed with his aesthetic.” 

Thomas smiled, shifting them so Lafeyette was closer to him. 

“Why are you telling me this?” 

Lafayette tensed, and then starting shaking again. 

“I don’t want him to die.” 

He sobbed. 

“I don’t want him to die, Thomas, please.” 

Thomas squeezed him tightly, shushing him and kissing his forehead. 

“Hey, he won’t die. He won’t die, I promise. We’ve got him. He’s safe with us.” 

“When we were teenagers, he was so depressed all the time. I mean, really. It was awful. He got into drugs, like _bad_ drugs. He had so much potential but he was so depressed and he couldn’t help it. He was trying so hard..he was-- 

I found him one time after he overdosed on heroin. He was half-dead in a ditch. He was in the ICU for so long, he was high on the painkillers they were giving him and he just kept crying- ‘Laf,’ he would say. ‘I don’t want to die. I want to go to medical school. I don’t want to do this anymore. Please, I just want to be better.’” 

“Oh, Laf.” 

ⒶⒶⒶ

Alexander woke sometime later to bustling in the kitchen. Thomas had gone to get them all dinner. How long had he been asleep? 

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Thomas said. Alex looked up at him; he had a sweet smile on his face, watching Alexander as he unpacked their dinner. Lafayette was sitting on the counter, kicking his feet.

“Hey. I have to go back to my dorm for a second.” 

Both Thomas and Lafayette froze. Alexander could practically see the panic rolling through them. He sat up, trying to ignore it. 

Thomas unfroze first, the smile returning to his face. He came and sat in the bed next to Alex, picking up his hand and pressing kisses to his knuckles. 

“That’s okay, my love. Come right back, okay? Your food’ll get cold.” 

Alexander returned the smile. He had learned how to fake emotions a long time ago. He nodded, getting out of the bed. 

“Be right back.” 

He kissed Thomas’s forehead. 

Alexander is not blind. Nor is he deaf. 

He heard Lafayette weep for him. He heard the destruction he had caused without meaning it. 

And what was the point? The world was going to be safe tomorrow but his friends wouldn’t be. His friends would never be safe until he was gone. He could not keep doing this to them. 

To his dorm. To the secret stash of razors in his journal. To the bathtub. 

He considered, for a second, writing a suicide note. Then he decided against it. He didn’t want his memory to remain in this world any longer than it had to. 

It’s a strange feeling, to cut yourself. It hurts, and it relieves pain at the same time. It’s sharp and loud and the pain is high pitched and surface-level. 

If you cut too deep, there is no blood at first. You can see the fat under your skin and it looks like someone tore a grand canyon into your wrist. And then the blood starts to well, and there is so much and it comes out so fast that anyone else would have panicked when they saw it. 

Alexander lets himself bleed. 

He created three separate canyons in his wrist before he thinks about Thomas. He owes him a goodbye, at least. An apology. He could spend another night with him, tell him all about what he wanted to do. 

He could talk about the legacy he wanted. 

He sighed, crawling out of the bathtub. Just one more night. In the morning, he would sneak away and finish the job. 

He pulled a jacket on over his damaged wrists and made his way back to Thomas’s. 

They ate dinner peacefully for a while, Alexander and Thomas cuddled on the couch and Lafayette sitting on the floor. After dinner, Lafayette tried to excuse himself, but Alexander burst into tears and he decided to stay with them. 

They were watching Gravity Falls. 

It was Alexander’s favorite. 

“Thomas?” he whispered. Thomas hummed, eyes focused on the screen. In his defense, it was a really cool show. Alexander kissed his jawline. His eyes held unbearable sadness. He knew this was the last night he would see his Thomas, his Milky Way. They were rushing towards each other in the night sky, ready to collide and explode. And yet it would never happen in their lifetimes.

“I love you.” 

Thomas looked at Alexander, a hint of surprise in his eyes. 

“I love you, too, Alexander,” he said. 

“I don’t want to die.” 

Thomas froze. His heart skipped a beat. 

“Hey, you won’t. Why do you say that?” 

Without thinking, Alexander shoved his sleeves up, putting his wrists on display. Lafayette’s eyes widened and quickly filled with tears. 

“Okay,” Thomas said. “Let’s get you cleaned up, okay?” 

“You’re not mad?” 

Thomas led Alexander away from Lafayette and towards the bathroom and more importantly, the first aid kit. Alex repeated his question.

“Of course I’m not, Lex.” Thomas pressed a light kiss to his forehead and then began his work. “I don’t like that you left us to cut yourself without telling us. Do you know why you wanted to cut?” 

Alexander was surprised by the soft touches and gentle explaining. He blinked up at Thomas, starry-eyed. 

“I knew Lafayette was crying because of me… I thought my friends will never be happy until I’m gone.” 

Thomas hummed in understanding, slowly pressing a bandage to one of the canyons in Alexander’s wrist. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, my love." 

Lafayette stumbled in, eyes bleeding salty tears. He wrapped himself around Alexander's midsection while Thomas continued to work. Alex hugged him back with his free arm. 

Nothing Lafayette has ever said to Alexander has ever made any of the pain ease. No desperate pleas, no screams to stay, no novels written about the way Alex's eyes light up when he watches Mulan for the second time in a day. 

It's difficult. It's excruciating, watching your best friend tear themself apart. It's painful watching them crumble beneath your touch, watching them pick at the scars you couldn't prevent.

But Alexander, if anything, has been resilient. When one suicide attempt fails, he forges ahead. Alex had learned to write poems louder than the screaming in his head so long ago. Lafayette is exhausted, maybe. But it will all have been worth it if he can see Alexander succeed. 

If anyone deserves it, it's Alexander. 

"I love you," Lafayette lamented. He would have said his name, but it would then sound too much like the time he had found Alexander on his bedroom floor, covered in his own spit-up and surrounded by empty pill bottles and an empty bottle of vodka. 

_"Lexi,"_ _Lafayette had begged, breathless and out of his mind. In his state of shock, he dragged Alex into his lap, not noticing that he was sitting on the broken glass of the vodka bottle he had shattered. He had to get 32 stitches on his leg later._ _"Lexi, please, God, Lexi what's wrong? What's wrong why aren't you answering? Why won't you wake up? Lexi pourquoi tu ne te réveilles pas? Je t'aime."_

_[Why won't you wake up? I love you.]_

**Author's Note:**

> would u guys potentially be interested in a story in this series focusing on lafayette’s struggle with this?
> 
> hey besties im going to keep it real. this is like, half-finished. i didn't even read over it not ONCE. besties i just missed validation for my writing. leave a comment? 
> 
> besties I'm struggling really badly right now I just need something. 
> 
> love you. 
> 
> -j


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